Heaven help me not to be,
some douchebag who thinks they're Charles Bukowski
29.4.09
14.4.09
i can't stop moving.
is this how you go crazy? i think it might be how it starts. i don't know what to do with myself. i don't know what to do. with myself. the thought of everything is unbearable; eating, i can't bear feeling heavy, reading, sitting in this cold bed. the only thing i want to do is sleep. and drink. even sleep is just a compulsion, not an actual desire.
something's wrong, it's gotta be. i'm being pulled under, see? into this scary, bright place where nothing is too much, or too far. where you don't have to think, just feel. mindless. i love it. the only problem is, no one wants to come with me, and it's a scary place to head to alone, especially your first time going there. everyone wants to keep me grounded, or mostly they don't care either war (i'm beginning to despise those who do). they're caught up in their own shit, in lives i thnk would suffocate me. i've tried to be 'the good girl' for so fucking long. maybe i should start facing reality; that's not me, it can't be. i hunger. i just want, and i want too much. i kind of want to set myself on fire, because my skin itches, it itches too much. see now, that's the kind of crazy i'm talking about.
i knew a girl who swallowed enough pills to put herself to sleep forever. another girl, before her, threw herself in front of a moving train. i've always had more compassion for that one, i dont know why, i'd never even met her. maybe it's because i can relate; to the rush, not the suicide (how could i die, when that would mean the end of talking about myself?) or maybe i'm just a little bit envious. what fucking guts that takes, what planning. it exposes us all as weak and afraid. cowards; yeah, i hate that. she's probably laughing at us all right now, and you know, i wouldn't blame her in the least.
i'm still in my bed, freezing, waiting on a night that probably won't happen, but this is setting me straight a little bit. i think i'm going to do it. let go of this ridiculous pretense of "adulthood", "functionality", whatever. who am i even fooling? i'm still a little girl and it's my turn on the swingset.
you can't believe how relieving it is to start something that you know is going to end badly. pray for me.
something's wrong, it's gotta be. i'm being pulled under, see? into this scary, bright place where nothing is too much, or too far. where you don't have to think, just feel. mindless. i love it. the only problem is, no one wants to come with me, and it's a scary place to head to alone, especially your first time going there. everyone wants to keep me grounded, or mostly they don't care either war (i'm beginning to despise those who do). they're caught up in their own shit, in lives i thnk would suffocate me. i've tried to be 'the good girl' for so fucking long. maybe i should start facing reality; that's not me, it can't be. i hunger. i just want, and i want too much. i kind of want to set myself on fire, because my skin itches, it itches too much. see now, that's the kind of crazy i'm talking about.
i knew a girl who swallowed enough pills to put herself to sleep forever. another girl, before her, threw herself in front of a moving train. i've always had more compassion for that one, i dont know why, i'd never even met her. maybe it's because i can relate; to the rush, not the suicide (how could i die, when that would mean the end of talking about myself?) or maybe i'm just a little bit envious. what fucking guts that takes, what planning. it exposes us all as weak and afraid. cowards; yeah, i hate that. she's probably laughing at us all right now, and you know, i wouldn't blame her in the least.
i'm still in my bed, freezing, waiting on a night that probably won't happen, but this is setting me straight a little bit. i think i'm going to do it. let go of this ridiculous pretense of "adulthood", "functionality", whatever. who am i even fooling? i'm still a little girl and it's my turn on the swingset.
you can't believe how relieving it is to start something that you know is going to end badly. pray for me.
6.4.09
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