i'm scared. i'm so, so scared. i feel like a tiny, fragile thing cracking under the pressure of god even knows what. i can't sleep. i see things. i'm going crazy, i think. more and more, i feel like i'm not meant for this world. that i can't handle it, or something. i just see too fucking much. and the more i see, the uglier i become. the more i hate the cruelty we're all capable of. i see you still though, malenky lights. i was never one of you. i feel like maybe i'd be worth something if i helped keep you from snuffing out. we all need you. but it's so fucking hard. and i can't do it alone, i just can't. i've parcelled out little bits of myself, i don't think i have much more to give. i forgot to keep some for myself, i did. i don't know what to do. if getting out of here would help, or make it worse. whatever i'm going i can't keep doing it for much longer though, i know that. something has to give.
it'll probably be me.
& just so you know, in case i ever take this off of private, all this talk is very unlike me. that's why i'm so scared.
3.1.10
stupid.
i see a cedarwood reindeer when i walk in and it startles me.
stupid, that.
the unexpected in an oh so familiar setting.
drunk natalie finds something not to her liking.
my best friend's ex hit on me all night because he missed her.
it was painful, watching myself from someone else's eyes.
i miss him too.
but what can i fucking do?
so i get wasted, and wake up with no pants on in an unfamiliar home
or, alternatively, pray to the television and eat homemade italian recipes
until i can convince myself i don't exist
sometimes it's easy
i wake up, on those rare mornings my head doesn't pound, and i savour it
my cloying room;
so dark, so full of things i used to be,
the bedcovers smother me
i'd like to stay here forever.
my stringy hair, my ever growing hips,
forever without a swollen lipped boy to please
a bottle to drain, a line to suck up
the phone will go unanswered.
paradise, alone like death.
i'll burn myself out or merge into the walls
before i find it
stupid, that.
the unexpected in an oh so familiar setting.
drunk natalie finds something not to her liking.
my best friend's ex hit on me all night because he missed her.
it was painful, watching myself from someone else's eyes.
i miss him too.
but what can i fucking do?
so i get wasted, and wake up with no pants on in an unfamiliar home
or, alternatively, pray to the television and eat homemade italian recipes
until i can convince myself i don't exist
sometimes it's easy
i wake up, on those rare mornings my head doesn't pound, and i savour it
my cloying room;
so dark, so full of things i used to be,
the bedcovers smother me
i'd like to stay here forever.
my stringy hair, my ever growing hips,
forever without a swollen lipped boy to please
a bottle to drain, a line to suck up
the phone will go unanswered.
paradise, alone like death.
i'll burn myself out or merge into the walls
before i find it
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