she doesn't live here anymore, pt. two

i'm going to be posting everything i've written of my memoir over the course of tonight, it only amounts to a few chapters, here's the first one.

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SUMMER
"...just the smell of summer can make me fall in love"

Wake Up, Wake Up

Breathe. Don't stop. Move faster, hit harder. Realize my lip is split and dribbling blood like a faulty tap. Keep moving anyways, head down, arms up.

"Hey little girl, you're bleeding, did you know that?"

It was the boy who'd been following me all night, weaving in and out of thrashing bodies and always ending up beside me, behind me. We met at the beginning, before Reel Big Fish took the stage, while the lights still exposed us for what we were: Kaitlin, Jen and I, three girls slouched low on the dusty walls, eyes darting around, praying to find someone we knew.

Instead we found Delilah, Blondie, and Andrew, the boy who later became my shadow. They sat beside us, drinking and talking easily, their voices carrying to us like dandelion seeds. Kaitlin turned, looked them over, and I could tell Blondie held her gaze. Right then, I knew were she'd be at the end of the night. It didn't matter that I wanted him, would probably be the first to break ranks and start a conversation, maybe make him laugh a little. Kaitlin hunted with precision, reeling in boys easy, so easy it made me worry that I just didn't know how to do it like she did. My charm, my eccentric start-stop conversation brought me phone numbers and sidelong glances, never fifteen minutes in the boy's room, a ripped tee-shirt. My intense fear of rejection kept me from making that first move every time.

Kaitlin took a swig from her water bottle, skipped the chase like it was nothing, and turned to face him.

"Hey," she said, her voice rising slightly at the end, everything a question, an invitation. "Hey you, Blondie" she tilted the bottle towards him "Vodka, Jack and bit of Peach Schnapps... I call in a Virgin Suicide, you want?"

We had their attention now and they opened their circle, scanning us.

"No, I'm good thanks, straight-edge actually" He made a fist and pointed at it; three Sharpied X's branded his skin.

"My friends wouldn't mind some though, they'll share" Blondie added as an afterthought and made room beside him for Kaitlin, Jen and I squeezing between the girl with dreaded hair like honey and my shadowfriend, who introduced himself as Andrew. I took the spot easily, like surrender, not minding how Blondie draped his arm on Kaitlin's skinny leg; the second he said he was straight-edge I lost all interest- I liked my boys loose and reckless, not pumped full of self righteous ideals. Jen started a conversation with the girl, found out her name was Delilah and that she only went to shows on weekends there was nothing else to do, and by the unimpressed look on Jen's face I could see she felt the same. We were so out of there.

The opener struck up and we threw ourselves into the pit, leaving Kaitlin with Blondie and his dusty, nothingspecial friends. Ska was god and the pit was our communion. We skanked faster, hit harder, bobbing alongside boys twice our size and it felt like home. Bloody lip, bruised arms from the gorilla in the plaid shirt who pulled me, spun me like a top and I knew, this was where I was supposed to be. Lost in a tangle of bodies and anger and blood and the truth that comes when someone will punch you in the face, not stab you in the back, I was free, free.

Back home in bed, my hair matted with a hundred different kinds of sweat I lay awake, my heart still speeding with the strength of ten caffiene pills. Eyes wide, I was looking at my future, the whole summer laid bare in front of me, waiting for me to scream, to claw and maybe, just maybe, make sense of it all.