stupid.

i see a cedarwood reindeer when i walk in and it startles me.
stupid, that.
the unexpected in an oh so familiar setting.
drunk natalie finds something not to her liking.
my best friend's ex hit on me all night because he missed her.
it was painful, watching myself from someone else's eyes.
i miss him too.
but what can i fucking do?
so i get wasted, and wake up with no pants on in an unfamiliar home
or, alternatively, pray to the television and eat homemade italian recipes
until i can convince myself i don't exist
sometimes it's easy
i wake up, on those rare mornings my head doesn't pound, and i savour it
my cloying room;
so dark, so full of things i used to be,
the bedcovers smother me
i'd like to stay here forever.
my stringy hair, my ever growing hips,
forever without a swollen lipped boy to please
a bottle to drain, a line to suck up
the phone will go unanswered.
paradise, alone like death.
i'll burn myself out or merge into the walls
before i find it