an update on how i'm doing.

i'm scared. i'm so, so scared. i feel like a tiny, fragile thing cracking under the pressure of god even knows what. i can't sleep. i see things. i'm going crazy, i think. more and more, i feel like i'm not meant for this world. that i can't handle it, or something. i just see too fucking much. and the more i see, the uglier i become. the more i hate the cruelty we're all capable of. i see you still though, malenky lights. i was never one of you. i feel like maybe i'd be worth something if i helped keep you from snuffing out. we all need you. but it's so fucking hard. and i can't do it alone, i just can't. i've parcelled out little bits of myself, i don't think i have much more to give. i forgot to keep some for myself, i did. i don't know what to do. if getting out of here would help, or make it worse. whatever i'm going i can't keep doing it for much longer though, i know that. something has to give.

it'll probably be me.

& just so you know, in case i ever take this off of private, all this talk is very unlike me. that's why i'm so scared.